The line comes from a song by Chumba wumba called, oddly,
thub-thumping. I’ve never understood the title; its airy chorus brags “pissing
the night away” and lists beverages more likely to leave me vomiting the night
away.
This is not that
This is the memory of a little boy riding on top of bags of
charcoal to the hospital with his mother regularly; this is him hugging me;
this is him following me down a path, quietly, until I notice and send him
home. They’re well-worn memories; I try not to touch them too much for fear the
contact will wear them away. This is his mother crying over the photo of him I
gave her, how helpless I feel next to
her grief.
And this is the other little boy, running at me down bush
paths, on a collision course with my kneecaps. It’s me, stepping aside and him
forgiving me every time for not hugging him and holding any part of me-a
finger, my purse strap-that he can reach. It’s me spending one night away and
coming back to hear he has died. It’s going for a run and being bent in half by
my grief, sobbing into a sweaty t-shirt just beyond where anyone can see me.
It’s knowing that I never have a chance to love that little boy the way he
deserved to be loved. I get knocked down…
…And I get up again. Today I got a ride to the taxi stand in
Town and, before I got out, a man handed me 80 Ghana cedis. I don’t know why, I
tried to demur but he was insistent. He didn’t ask for anything in return-not
even my number. This morning a woman I’ve met twice told me her family would
welcome me in to their home when I go to Kumasi later this week, and then sent
me phone credit to offset the cost of me texting her.
I am knocked down by these deaths. I am knocked down by the
level of grief I feel, the grief that I see. Yet every time I am knocked down I
am picked back up again. I can’t take credit for it; it’s the generosity, the
kindness, the love that comes from the people around me. This is how Ghana, how
peace corps, how reality can knock me down, and this is how Ghana, how peace
corps, how love can pick me up again.
Hamidu 2011- Aug 2, 2014
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