While I would love to be spending my last Christmas in America for a while with my family, spending it at work is almost as good. This morning I got to watch clients open their presents. Each client also received a personalized letter from Santa. A lot of these kids haven't had a real holiday before, and watching them open gifts and then marvel over their Santa letter ("He saw the picture I drew him!") helps me to feel the true spirit of Christmas; giving, and giving with care.
"We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give."
Winston Churchill
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Family Gratitude
This last weekend I celebrated Christmas with my family, and want to be sure to remember my gratitude towards them during all this chaos and disarray. I am grateful for recitals, for ballet dancers and tiny reindeer. I am grateful for blowing spit bubbles, I am grateful for chocolate, to eat and to bribe with. I am grateful for presents, for both giving and getting. I am grateful for cuddles from little tiny people, for hugs from the big kids, for love from the family. I am grateful for joking in the kitchen, and racing in on lightrail, for singing along to recital music, and being able to steal sweaters. Ultimately, I am grateful, day in and day out, for the light and airy feelings that buoy me through; these are my real Christmas gifts from my family.
The Next Step
It seems like so recently that I received the news of my destination. The steps that I've taken are huge, particularly for someone as stubbornly independent as I tend to be. I am now sharing my space with my partner. It was a prickly transition, but surprisingly easy for me now. At first, I could not come to terms with not being able to do my laundry whenever I want, or never washing dishes, or any of the other gross things I just accept about my apartment. It was nearly impossible for my mind to accept that she has her own rules, and her own way of living in her space. While I went into it knowing that I was going to be her guest, I suppose I thought it would be a situation where, after a few weeks of give and take, I would be able to run the show. This, of course, is not the case. Living according to someone else's rules is a challenge, but nothing compared to the challenges I'm looking at in the next few months. I'm still learning to take things slowly, to appreciate the moment, and to take the time to sleep like a starfish when I have the bed to myself.
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still."
-Chinese Proverb
"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still."
-Chinese Proverb
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Contentment
Max spent his night with my coworker the other night. She's going to be taking care of him while I am gone, and we decided it was important to get him used to her house. I realize that he is an animal, and would hate to ever consider myself one of "those people", but he is so important to me. He is absolute and unconditional love, he is constant, he is happy, and he is unequivocally mine. Leaving him is going to be hard. He doesn't seem to fall under the same category as the people in my life; while they are capable of understanding the tie that binds us together remaining through my adventures, Max is not. There is no explaining to an animal that you will be back, they only know you are gone.
I asked on the facebook site for this trip what everyone was doing to prepare. I don't want to use their answers, but I love knowing how people are getting ready. It's like that party question; If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you spend today doing? Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I'll be able to honestly say that I am so happy with the way I live my life that I would spend today doing exactly what I spend every day doing. That's the goal right now; to continue living my life the way that I am right now, because I know that's what I will miss the most.
Today, Max comes back to my house for my weekend. I cannot wait to spend the evening with him in my apartment. Maybe I have reached the point where the most I want to do is what I am already doing. I believe that's called contentment.
I asked on the facebook site for this trip what everyone was doing to prepare. I don't want to use their answers, but I love knowing how people are getting ready. It's like that party question; If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you spend today doing? Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I'll be able to honestly say that I am so happy with the way I live my life that I would spend today doing exactly what I spend every day doing. That's the goal right now; to continue living my life the way that I am right now, because I know that's what I will miss the most.
Today, Max comes back to my house for my weekend. I cannot wait to spend the evening with him in my apartment. Maybe I have reached the point where the most I want to do is what I am already doing. I believe that's called contentment.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Why I'll Never Win the Lotto
Recently, the powerball hit $575,000,000. People who I thought were full of common sense and aware of the mathematical impossibility of their winning (I believe the odds were one in never ever going to happen) were discussing their yachts, debating the pros and cons of private jets, and making their friends mud-wrestle for the biggest gift.
While I looked on the hoopla with a cynical eye, I wasn't above imagining what I would buy first. It would start with a nicer house, then the requisite presents for the family and loved ones, followed in short order by trips around the world. I've got it planned out.
Notice that in no place do I mention continuing to work or going into Peace Corps. If I had the opportunities that money would afford me, I don't believe that I would be as passionate about PC to travel. I have the utmost respect for people in jobs like mine who come to work in their Mercedes-Benz, who have partners that make more than they could feasibly spend, because if I had those financial freedoms, I doubt I would continue to work. I fantasize about being able to go back for graduate school without the stress of student loans, but if I had the money I don't believe that I would do so.
Virtually all of the volunteering I've done, the giving back, the dedicating myself to a cause, it was to enhance my own experience. It's ultimately selfish: to build opportunities for myself, to push my limits, to learn and grow.
Recently I realized that, with the removal of rent from my monthly bills until I leave, I will have a considerable amount of spare cash. Instead of generosity, I immediately pictured my bank account swelling. I didn't dream up expensive Christmas gifts for my family, but rather expensive shoes for Ghana. The next day I received a number of bills, which pushed away my fantasy of relative wealth. Initially I panicked, creating unrealistic scenarios wherein I ignore the dental bill or survive on ten dollars a week. It was only about an hour later that I realized that the universe was effectively saving me from myself. I am much more generous when I am on a budget. Something about surplus cash brings out the worst kind of miser in me.
I don't know that I've done good in my life. I know that I have tried, that I have volunteered, helped people in crisis, done my best to give when I can. This is why I won't win the lottery; until I become a much more selfless person, any positive impact I could have on the world would be nullified as soon as the check cleared. I am grateful for my bills. I am grateful for the guidance of the universe.
While I looked on the hoopla with a cynical eye, I wasn't above imagining what I would buy first. It would start with a nicer house, then the requisite presents for the family and loved ones, followed in short order by trips around the world. I've got it planned out.
Notice that in no place do I mention continuing to work or going into Peace Corps. If I had the opportunities that money would afford me, I don't believe that I would be as passionate about PC to travel. I have the utmost respect for people in jobs like mine who come to work in their Mercedes-Benz, who have partners that make more than they could feasibly spend, because if I had those financial freedoms, I doubt I would continue to work. I fantasize about being able to go back for graduate school without the stress of student loans, but if I had the money I don't believe that I would do so.
Virtually all of the volunteering I've done, the giving back, the dedicating myself to a cause, it was to enhance my own experience. It's ultimately selfish: to build opportunities for myself, to push my limits, to learn and grow.
Recently I realized that, with the removal of rent from my monthly bills until I leave, I will have a considerable amount of spare cash. Instead of generosity, I immediately pictured my bank account swelling. I didn't dream up expensive Christmas gifts for my family, but rather expensive shoes for Ghana. The next day I received a number of bills, which pushed away my fantasy of relative wealth. Initially I panicked, creating unrealistic scenarios wherein I ignore the dental bill or survive on ten dollars a week. It was only about an hour later that I realized that the universe was effectively saving me from myself. I am much more generous when I am on a budget. Something about surplus cash brings out the worst kind of miser in me.
I don't know that I've done good in my life. I know that I have tried, that I have volunteered, helped people in crisis, done my best to give when I can. This is why I won't win the lottery; until I become a much more selfless person, any positive impact I could have on the world would be nullified as soon as the check cleared. I am grateful for my bills. I am grateful for the guidance of the universe.
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